Does 1+1=2 or 1: Dating

Genesis 2:18 & 21-24, “18 And the Lord God said, “It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him….21 And the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall on Adam, and he slept; and He took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh in its place. 22 Then the rib which the Lord God had taken from man He made into a woman, and He brought her to the man. 23 And Adam said: “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called woman, because she was taken out of Man.” 24 Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.”

            Marriage was ordained in the Garden of Eden. It was ordained before the fall. You don’t just jump into marriage, there is a process. The goal is not just to be married; the goal is to become one flesh. Becoming one flesh is removing the things that don’t need to be there so that you can fit with the person God has called you to be with. The process of getting ready does not start when you get married though, the process starts when you are single. I want to ask you three questions: if you are single, are you ready to become one flesh; if you are in a relationship, are you becoming one flesh; and if you are married, are you one flesh or are you still two people? If you are in a relationship, are you becoming one flesh?      

The process of becoming one flesh is a long process. We are going to divide this process into two; you have the going on dates process and relationship process. Both are very important in this journey, and we must be careful not to mix the two and/or overlook them. I want us to also distinguish between going on dates and dating/courtship. Look at this definition of the two: “to ‘date’ someone is more casual and typically revolves around social activities and enjoying someone's company. While courting often involves parental approval and involvement, dating is more independent. Some people date for marriage, while others date for fun without the intention of finding a spouse.”

            When we date, it must look different than what you see in the world. In the world, dating is more casual, and you do it to have fun. In the Kingdom of God, we must date for marriage. I love the definition of courtship because courtship brings in parental guidance. I know we do this more than we realize. We talk to our parents about people we like and listen to their advice. Kingdom dating requires accountability. This accountability comes from people you value in your life and are strong and mature believers.

            Let’s talk about going on dates. It’s the process of spending one on one time with someone to see if they are a person you would like to date or to court. Getting a date is probably the hardest part of this process. You must put yourself out there and hope in turn that that person will reciprocate. Asking out or securing a date is very different for men and women. Men can’t read minds. Women must put themselves out there to some degree so that a man knows they are interested. Women can puta lot of hope in the fact that men are the “pursuers.” However, it is important to know that if you have mutual interest, you can both be pursuers. It can be hard to put yourself out there for fear of rejection, but the more you do it, the easier it gets. It can be rewarding and confidence building!

            Things to look for when going on dates: does the person’s character match what they say? What do other people say about them? Do you enjoy doing the same things or have shared interests? After you goon a few dates with someone, there will be a natural time for a DTR conversation to happen. DTR is a fun-loving term that will clear up a lot of misunderstandings. DTR means Define the Relationship. This conversation will set a lot of things at ease and help move the relationship along. If after the DTR you decide to be in a relationship, then great! If not, that’s ok too.  I want us to be comfortable with this process. A “no” does not mean that there is something wrong with you. A “no” does not mean that you cannot be friends with that person. That is why during the process of going on dates we must be careful not to cross any boundaries. Be gentleman and ladies to each other. This is why having accountability is important. Those people will help you keep those boundaries.

Starting a relationship is different beast all together. We must distinguish that being in a relationship or dating is the process of becoming one flesh – it is not being one flesh. There are things that we don’t do in dating that are saved for marriage. Let’s jump in and talk about the big elephant in the room. SEX!!! We live in a culture where sex dominates our screens. We are called by God to not be conformed by this world but to be transformed by His kingdom. As we are becoming one flesh, it is important to save sex for when we are married. Whether you have had sex or not, there is space for God to redeem your story. Just because you've had sex in one relationship, doesn’t mean you have to continue having sex in every relationship.

            The process of becoming one flesh in a relationship is essentially laying the foundations for your marriage. In the exact same way when you are single, you must get on the potter’s wheel to get ready for a relationship. Now in a relationship both of you must get on the wheel together and let the Lord dictate the pace of you becoming one flesh. There's a lot to this process: learning compromise, adapting to each other, being vulnerable, learning how to fight fair and dealing with conflict.

            Being in a relationship is an amazing and beautiful thing if you go about it the correct way. When you are in a relationship, that person will expose a lot of things in your heart. It is imperative when those things are exposed you do not lash out in anger, fear, or shame but you take those things to the Lord. That is the process of becoming one flesh. The Lord used Brea and I’s relationship to really work on me and I would consistently decide to bring her in and not leave her out. The journey of becoming one flesh is learning to let them see all of you and not some of you.